I couldn’t have heard it right. It was impossible. But the ultrasound tech grinned hugely at me and the screen on the wall declared the truth. I was pregnant with twins.
I felt faint. Through my fog, I remember hearing a doctor shout to get me oxygen. Maybe they did, I don’t know. I do know I managed to stumble from the doctor’s office clutching a black and white photograph of two shrimp-sized babies in my womb.
It was the first day of my journey through anxiety but it didn’t have a name then.
The following months passed in a blur but the nights never ended.
So many nights, I lay awake, petrified, waiting for the familiar tightening of my chest, the squeezing of my heart, the restricting of my airways to kick in. And it did. Every time.
While my husband slumbered peacefully in our bed, I gasped for breath, clawing at my throat, desperate for a single breath. Tears poured down my face, pleading to God to spare me from what was surely inevitable death.
Eventually, the claw grasping me relinquished its power and I sucked tiny breaths of air. I learned to breathe shallowly, unable to fill my lungs completely.
My body bore the stress of these attacks long before I mentioned them to my doctor. After a thorough exam and patient listening, she diagnosed it as anxiety. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a medicine I could take while pregnant with twins. She recommended relaxation techniques I could try and encouraged me to reduce stress (yeah, right!).
I’m a fighter.
Except at the news of twins. It was more than I could bear. This cross of anxiety settled across my shoulders, weighing so heavily until I literally could not breathe.
My anxiety stemmed from feeling “not enough.” As a mom of four young children, I often felt overwhelmed (I still do!) and couldn’t fathom raising two more at one time! Despite knowing the reason for the attacks, I never knew what triggered the response. I could think of twins all day long, looking at adorable photos and choosing coordinating outfits and be fine. It wasn’t a problem of consciously controlling my thoughts.
I had to dig deeper.
Understanding Anxiety
Anxiety is difficult to understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself or with a loved one. What seems like a simple fix is a complex issue to navigate through. Christians especially are made to feel faithless because they don’t trust God enough for their fear. In fact, anxiety is becoming an increasingly outspoken topic in which women everywhere are saying, “Me too!”
Maybe you too have experienced anxiety. You are not alone. There’s nothing little about it; your fear is real and warranted. Even if the circumstances happened in the past, there’s no guarantee our fears will never intersect our lives again.
That’s scary.
But there is help both spiritually and physically.
Anxiety is fear.
Hundreds of times, we are told in the Bible not to fear. We are commanded to trust God. Often the simplest instruction ignites the flame of fear to one suffering from anxiety. Trusting God to step forward in faith is hard. In my case, anxiety was the manifestation of refusing to trust God’s plan is perfect.
Fear is crippling, but God gives us the courage to face obstacles we encounter.
No matter where you’re going or what you’re doing, God is already there. There’s nowhere we can go where He isn’t already there holding us in the palm of His hand.
None of us knows what we’re fully capable of doing until God leads us to a place where we realize our strength is nothing compared to his. He says to take a step of faith but we look and see nothing. When we do step, we realize we are standing on solid ground.
Overcoming Anxiety
For some, praying Scripture and listening to calming music helps ease their anxiety. For others, the problem lies much deeper. If you’re experiencing anxiety, consider consulting a reputable physician. God has gifted doctors with the ability to learn the human body and with medicines to battle your anxiety.
When past experiences lend fear to present situations, we must hold captive our consuming thoughts. We must present our anxieties to the Lord, believing He will heal and help us.
We must not label ourselves as failures if controlling anxiety is beyond our ability. It is. It is absolutely something we cannot control ourselves. But I fully believe persevering with prayer, trusting God, and consulting a physician, are all steps to a healthier you.
Four years later, I occasionally feel the scary fingers of fear gripping my heart and stealing my breaths. I remind myself it’s a spiritual battle and it doesn’t belong to me –it belongs to the Lord–so I let Him fight it for me. He will fight yours too.
Scripture to Ease Your Mind
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 13:6
“And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.” Romans 8:11
This video below is of one song that seemed to sum up my experience during my journey of anxiety. I hope you enjoy it! Check out the pics of the two cuties at the end of this post who made me fearful before they made an appearance. What an incredible blessing they turned out to be!
The twins in the hospital
The twins now
I love this so much! Anxiety is something that everyone in my family struggles with and I can tell when anxiety begins to creep in that I need more time in His presence. I get the most anxious when I am trying to control my life instead of walking in surrender. So good.
I agree 100%! Thank you for reading! <3
The twins are handsome. I’m glad you overcome anxiety. I struggled with anxiety back when I was in colleges during like you said it’s hard to understand unless a person has experienced it. Thank God for victory!
Thank you so much! Yes, to God be the glory! 💙
Amanda, I love that you have the scriptures in this blog post. With my first child, I was blindsided with postpartum depression. It was frightening, but when I would speak the scriptures out loud, those awful thoughts would leave.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) I believe the enemy comes at us mothers hard because of the enormous impact we have on the world and our culture in raising up our children to know Christ. Blessing to you and on your family. May you reap huge rewards for your labor.
Christina,
Thank you so much for sharing your story! PD is scary but I’m so thankful the Scriptures comforted you. <3 You are absolutely right that the enemy attacks mothers so hard! We ARE shaping the future generations for Christ! <3
I know how it feels to have anxiety; I have dealt with it before. I love what you said about the battle being God’s.
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced anxiety too. Thank you! <3
I love this!! I too suffer from anxiety and this was very reassuring to read. Especially as a Christian, we shouldn’t feel like failures when we experience anxiety. TY so much Amanda for this beautiful post! ❤
Thank you, Donna! <3
Very inspiring! Thank you for sharing. Even though I knew about this already but reading this today really helped me.
Miss the twins and man how time has flew by. See you soon🤗😘
Thank you, Roseline! <3
I love this! I am a mother of 8, (twinmommy too), so I completely understand the angst!
Although I never experienced anxiety attacks while preggo, i did have them regularly after the death of our child.
They are frightening and debilitating!
I appreciate your approach- the battle is a spiritual one- not ours to fight, but His! Yes and amen!
Oh, I’m so sorry you’ve experienced the death of a child. 🙁 Thank you so much for sharing, fellow big family (plus twins!) mama! <3
Amanda, this is spot on. When you wrote “In my case, anxiety was the manifestation of refusing to trust God’s plan is perfect“ it especially spoke volumes to me. Thank you for the special insight on reminding ourselves that this is not our battle to fight but the Lord’s. You are such an encouragement in my life and I’m blessed to call you friend.
Love you, Misty! <3 Thank you for reading!
I love this so much. Thank you. I had postpartum anxiety and did not understand what was happening at all…
I am so glad you shared this. One of my daughters experienced the exact same symptoms you explained when she got caught without her ID at school (she is a compliant child and rule follower so a situation like this is unacceptable to her). There was a simple misunderstanding, but she couldn’t explain it. While one teacher quickly realized what she was experiencing and jumped in to help her, the other literally said in front of her that she was crazy. I had to explain to her how, just as you mentioned, some people don’t get it or understand it. Heck it took me a minute to realize what she was going through from previous situations.
At times she would freeze at doing things I know she could do with her eyes closed.
Anyway, once we realized what she had going on, you are so right that scripture helps. Letting God fight the fear helps so much. The good in dealing with anxiety is her having to learn to rely on and believe God’s promises and wisdom in a way she hasn’t had to before. I wish so badly I had learned to trust God this way at her age.
Again, thank you for sharing this.