My writing tools sat unused, useless in the hands of a sinner struggling with hate. I blame a lot on Covid but that year seemed to be a turning point in my life.

It was the catalyst for accidentally opening a u-pick field but also the clashing of families when too many people farm the same land. Without a doubt and writing as vaguely as possible, someone from the family will contact me about airing dirty laundry after I post this.

So you’ll just hear my side of it. A word of warning – just keep in mind a story usually has two sides and this is the story I lived.

Growing up, I always wanted to live close to my family. We were a couple hours from both my dad and mom’s sides of the family so we didn’t see them frequently although I adored them and cherished every minute spent with them.

Marrying my dream guy years later came with a bonus – family surrounded on every side of the farm with cousins everywhere.

A literal dream.

And for years, it was.

But things change and ever so slightly, it was hard for me to see when that happened. Whose fault was it? Why did it suddenly seem God abandoned us? 

It seemed like one hard thing after another kept happening and before you knew it, a repeat of the Hatfield and McCoys.

I wanted to fix it. I didn’t want a fractured family. I wanted the close-knit family with gatherings and cousin get-togethers.

We don’t always get what we want though and sometimes no matter how hard we try, relationships on earth are irreparable especially when sinners are involved. Reminding myself frequently that God is in the restoration business helps my heart. Choosing to focus on Him every single day instead of the situation has helped me to let go of the hate along with allowing anyone else to control my emotions.

Such an incredibly freeing feeling! What a battle to get to this place of peace. Reminding myself a battle with anyone is really a spiritual battle has also helped my perspective.

Satan is in the business of destroying families! Nothing makes him happier than severing relationships and anything he can use to thwart our vision and throw us off balance is a win for him.

But I don’t like losing.

Not my focus. Not my emotions. And certainly not the prize – Jesus.

Years of battling this sent me scurrying from this place on the internet that used to offer readers such hope. I couldn’t do it. My vision was so severely clouded with hurt, the haze kept me from sharing good OR bad.

Choosing to forgive has been a daily battle so I can’t say I’m over this but I am back in the center of God’s will and that is a great feeling. One thing I’d prayed over the last few years was that God would show me He loved me in little ways that would only matter to me.

And He did.

There was this little tiny thing I had wanted after my grandfather passed away years ago, just something silly to remember all the times he shared history with me, whether it was his experiences living through the Great Depression or his time served during World War II or any of the stories he wanted heard.

I didn’t get it. No one knew where it went.

Recently something happened and God reminded me of that and how He has never forgotten. He gave me a gift far better than that little tiny thing and it meant so much more. 

God is so good. Not just because He remembers us or gives us good gifts but because He never leaves during the hard times. Someone said recently, “Some people pray for God to move the mountain out of the way and others ask for climbing shoes and help to get over the mountain.”

Matthew 17:20 says, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.

God is so capable of moving mountains but He is also so capable to equipping us to get over them. My heart’s cry is to grow in Christ as He helps me navigate this abundant life with is often full of hardship. I don’t want to look back and regret not holding His hand as He leads me through whether it’s deep waters or a refiners fire. 

Friends have shared their own hard times lately with me so it feels like we’re all in it together! If you are too, don’t forget there’s a friend who sticks closer than a brother who will never leave you. He cherishes you and wants you to experience abundant life. So whatever hard thing you’re going through, keep going. One step at a time. One chapter of the Bible at a time. One verse at a time. One “Jesus, help me,” at a time. Whatever baby step you need to propel you forward, you can do it. I know you can with Jesus’ help. 💙