It happened again last night. It always comes at night when it’s darkest and quietest and the shadows fall across my sleep-deprived face.
That’s the enemy’s favorite time of day. Darkest night. As if it can be hidden as it wages war with my soul.
This night, I woke up gasping for breath, a tightness across my chest, clammy hands clawing at my neck, desperate for a sweet deep breath of fresh air. As if that could open up an airway for me. My pounding heart wrestles the elephant sitting on my chest. I hate this.
No one knows.
The house is silent as I struggle with inner turmoil and physical pain. No one is aware. No one comes to calm or comfort me. No one knows this might be the last time.
The last time I lay in my bed. The last time I see my husband or children. That’s what it feels like. As if it might be the last moment of my life.
That’s how I feel.
I feel the enemy laughing as he tries to use my weaknesses against me. As he tries to inflict fear throughout me. I remember this is a spiritual battle but it doesn’t belong to me–it is the Lord’s to fight for me.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14
I think of the Man who gave up his life for me. Who thought of me as he struggled for his own breath on that cross. Who knew one day I would experience this awful anxiety. Who promised to never leave me. Who promised to help and strengthen me.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
It is the Man who saw my weakness and pain and terrors and fills me with His strength. Who calms my fears like He calmed the storms. Slightly, ever so slightly, I start to relax.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 13:6
I remember this and slowly, ever so slowly, the iron fist on my heart loosens a bit. A little more air fills my lungs.
“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?” Psalm 56:3-4
The enemy isn’t as loud now, the laughter fading and a peaceful silence fills the room. I fall against my pillow, exhausted, but not defeated. It’s been hours now but tentatively, I try a deep breath. Clean air fills my lungs to capacity and the final tension falls away.
Sweet Jesus, thank you. Thank you.
“And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.” Romans 8:11
It’s the morning after and sunlight spills across my bed. No shadows linger. No visual reminder of the battle I faced last night. No one knows.
A soft sigh escapes me and my heart is overwhelmed with gratitude. So this is what life looks like the morning after. Another chance. A gift. Another day to make a difference.
Sweet Jesus, thank you. 💙
© Amanda Wells – The Farm Wyfe
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