“Amanda, I need you!” he called to me from the front porch. 

Normally, I’m glad to be called my own name and not so-and-so’s mama or Wesley’s wife or that mom of six or whatever. But this time, one of my five-year-old twins called me by my first name and it needed to stop.

I admit, it was funny at first but when I asked him about it, his answer left me speechless.

“You never listen to me. You’re busy and I have to call you ‘Mama’ five times before you hear me. But when I say ‘Amanda’ you always listen.”

THE TRUTH HURTS

Was it true? I do have an annoying problem of zoning in on my to-do listen focusing on my tasks and tuning out the noise around me. (I think I learned to do this from my husband ☺️.) It didn’t use to be this way. Multitasking came naturally to me but lately, exhaustion overwhelmed me and I found myself frustrated and inconvenienced with every need of my family.

Shame and guilt filled me and I knew I needed to make an intentional change. I didn’t want my family to feel like an inconvenience and I didn’t want to feel that way when they needed me.

So I did something about it.

Maybe, foolishly and thoughtlessly, I prayed.

Lord, let me be inconvenienced this week. Let me be inconvenienced by my family. Let me put their needs before mine and set my selfishness, my exhaustion, my desire for rest and peace and quiet aside and let me minister to them first. Give me strength and patience and fill me with your love for this beautiful family you’ve blessed me with. Amen.

I should’ve thought twice. I should’ve figured out another way to phrase it. I should’ve slept on it.

But I didn’t. And it didn’t matter because the Lord knew my heart anyway and this time, he answered exactly like I prayed.

MY FAMILY INCONVIENCED ME

My family inconvenienced me this week. Shoot, I inconvenienced myself. What we hoped would be a fun last week of homeschooling, turned into a circus of sickness, accidents, ER visits, sibling disputes, and a semi in a ditch blocking the road into one of our fields (I know, farm life, right?). 

It was my fault for praying for this!

   
At least that’s what I told myself, but what really happened was so much more. God gave me this beautiful picture in my heart of our family and our life. Gratefully, I begged him to change my heart, help me love my family and be a blessing to them.

It’s been a challenging season. Not terrible, just long and tiresome, and lonely. Planting season is always a bit busy but this year it never seemed to slow and we zoomed right into growing season. The long hours my husband poured into the farm from 4am until 9 or 10pm never lessened. Other farm wives joke that they’re a farm widow or a single parent during these seasons because sometimes it might feel that way. I can only relate to the endless hours of parenting and shuffling kids from one place to another and checking off all the to-do lists. 

It’s hard. Sometimes I really want a break.

I wanted these kids. I prayed for these kids. They are a part of me and I didn’t like these feelings I had toward them. My selfishness made me sick at heart. 

SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE

But this week, the Lord sharpened my vision and tuned my heart toward theirs. I heard them call me, “Mama.” I listened to them ask me to wash their laundry or make their lunch. They even asked me to read to them when I didn’t want to because “they just love hearing my voice make the stories sound real.” So with a throat feeling as if rocks filled it, I read to them. I made their lunches. I washed their laundry. We snuggled on the couch. We played in the pool together.

I didn’t get everything done I needed to accomplish. But you know what? I remembered they won’t always be here to need me. They’ll grow up, too fast, I know, and they won’t need me. And if I’m not careful, they won’t want me.

So I set aside my own desires for a peaceful week to put them first. And I don’t regret a second of it. In fact, I might just keep praying to be inconvenienced. 

 I even decided to show them how much I loved them by writing them each a letter letting them know how special they are, how grateful I am to be their mom, and all the things I love that make them who they are. 

Because motherhood is truly a gift and I never want to take it for granted. 

   
Oh, and about the name-calling “Amanda,” we’re still working on that one. ☺️