It finally happened. After all these years, I stopped having feelings for my husband. I heard it would happen. We were too different and it wouldn’t work, they said. Turns out they were right. Mentally, I checked off all his wrongs. And there were plenty of them, according to the little voice in my head slinging his transgressions in my face like little stones. Each memory hurt and I stacked the little stones into a mental mountain of grief. It wasn’t a sudden disagreement that sparked my resentment. This release of emotion came after years of pent-up disappointment, hidden from everyone. From experience, I knew sharing my feelings only led to further disappointment and distress. One stressed decision after another slowly deteriorated our marriage. Neither of us felt enough for ourselves or the other person. My complaints sent him striving harder than ever to provide for our family while simultaneously juggling his role with the kids. His complaints barely reached my ears for the mountains of laundry and other housework blocking the view. The overwhelming pressure for each of us to perform every role led to more anxiety and more chaos in the home. It seemed hopeless. So I left.

Feeling despair

My feelings consumed me and clouded my perspective. Visions of our wedding day flashed through my memory. The two of us kneeling together on a prayer bench promising to keep the Lord the center of our marriage. Sharper memories of expectations clashing with reality pushed out the hazy ones. The princess memories, I call them. The memories of living happily ever after without conflict and every day is a dream. For days, I couldn’t face anyone. I’d failed my husband and our marriage, our kids, but most importantly, I’d failed to keep my promise to God. This covenant of marriage teetered on the brink of disaster. What kept it hurtling off the edge of this mountain was a skinny strand of hope tied to the Bible I’d remembered to pack. I prayed, a desperate kind of prayer, begging God to save our marriage, that somehow He would intervene.

It wasn’t over yet

Then I turned to Psalm, a book filled with emotional pleas and praises to the Almighty, begging for deliverance and gratitude for rescue. Finding a way to express my pent-up emotion could only come from this book. And I found it.

O Lord, hear my as I pray; pay attention to my groaning,  Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one but you.  Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly. Psalm 5:1-3

This was it. The beginning of an honest self-examination of my own heart, betrayed by feelings and scarred by lies. Far too long, I’d fed myself untruths about my husband. But I didn’t realize this right away. I kept searching. Deep down, I knew this wasn’t right. If it were, why did my heart feel so bruised and broken beyond repair? How much was my fault and how much was his? How could we have the kind of marriage we had before? And was that really what I wanted?

Feeling honest

For a minute, I considered continuing this charade of perfection. Only I knew the Lord saw right past it so I opted for honesty. Only honesty from here on out. Begging for a clean heart and revelation of my own faults, I prayed. Fat teardrops splattered across my Bible, leaving wet blotches, blurring the lines I’d already read.

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. Psalm 16:8

Honesty. Only honesty.

Like a madwoman, I grabbed my journal and colored pens ready to purge my heart from the pain and suffering as a result of my own attitude and decisions. It was ugly. I felt ugly. Not because of the red splotchy face or the unbrushed hair or yoga pants, but I was finally seeing my heart as it truly was and the picture left me stunned.

Scribbling ferociously and underlining God’s Word, He began to give me a clear picture. Verse after verse painted an image of a journey, from ruin to restoration, leading me on the right path. I knew I’d wronged my husband, my children, and the Lord, and now I needed to make it right.

Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.        Psalm 25:4-5

My feelings behind me

God created us with emotions and feelings with the intent of expressing ourselves. He gives guidelines throughout the Scriptures on the details of praise and anger and every other feeling we experience. But these feelings, my feelings, were wrong. If only I could pinpoint the exact moment I decided to base my illusion of marriage on a pretense, I might’ve recognized the danger sooner. Instead, I allowed myself to set unrealistic expectations and feel disappointed when they didn’t come true. Everything little (or big) thing he failed to do created a little more resentment in my heart because this wasn’t how I envisioned marriage. I’d forgotten my vows –for better or worse, for richer or poorer, til death do us part. I’d forgotten marriage requires sacrifice and communication. I blamed his long hours on the lack of communication. The truth is, we were both wrong. We allowed our feelings to determine our actions and every decision led us further away from one another.

Feelings Fade

Feelings are fickle. They betray us, creating doubt and displeasure in our marriage. They give the enemy a foothold into our relationship growing the gap in our hearts of disappointment into a gorge of despair. There seems to be no way to repair the split of hearts which years before entwined so seamlessly. Friend, the hardest lesson I ever learned in my marriage is to set aside my feelings. Not that they don’t matter, because they do, but they cannot dictate our future. A decision made in the heat of the moment based on feelings is a terrible decision. I know, I’ve made plenty of them. I’ve poured through Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, 1 Corinthians 13, Ephesians, Galatians, and so much more of Scripture searching for the truth. The truth is, God’s Word has so much to say about marriage. I made a new list. The most beautiful description of love is found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 so I wrote it out as a daily visual reminder of the truth. Love isn’t sunshine and roses and chocolate. Love is patient and kind and humble and honoring. It’s slow to anger and doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. It rejoices in the truth. It protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres. Love never fails.    This is my new truth, written on my heart, that I won’t see my husband through world-colored lenses anymore. In our flesh, we will fail. In the Lord, we will trust Him and keep Him first.

Where We Are Now

That was one of the roughest times in our marriage. Our feelings overwhelmed both of us, leaving ugly little shells of the people we married. Through the drought, which is what it felt like, God restored our marriage into something more beautiful than it was before. We’ve exchanged our feelings for the truth. And we talk a lot more. We have a constant line of communication. During busy seasons on the farm, it might look like more text messages and phone calls than long talks in the living room. During the slow seasons, it might look like an actual kid-free date night and dinner out. We realized without focusing on our marriage, it will fall apart. We strive to each spend time in God’s Word daily and discuss our separate studies with one another. Sometimes we do the same study and it’s interesting to see how God speaks to each of us. Will we ever experience rough spots in our marriage again? I’m sure. We will always have feelings and while they are valid, sometime they’re misplaced. When we disagree or feel frustrated, hopefully, we will trust the Lord to work through it with us. If you’re experiencing a rough spot in your own marriage, please know I am praying for you. Know that this isn’t forever even though it may feel that way now. It may be a good time to remove some outside influences and focus on God and His Word. Spend more time in your Bible. Pray about how to address the issues you’re experiencing with your own spouse and ask the Lord to lead you. He loves you. Both of you. <3