I saw it happen.
It’s one of those things you can see in other people and it seems as if it’s in slow motion, a train wreck you can’t stop. I watched them argue and fight, not even bothering to do it behind closed doors so the kids couldn’t see. It was an open invitation to the world to watch them fling their frustration and hurt around like a flaming match in a dry pasture. What it started was a raging, uncontrollable wildfire only outsiders saw coming.
I knew it hurt. I could read it in both their eyes.
Marriage wasn’t what they thought. It had been so romanticized, they never considered reality. Two different people equal two different personalities. Two different ways of living. Two people who would forever need to give grace and compassion and love to one another. How could it possibly work?
It started with a stupid fight, one which they couldn’t even remember. Before they knew it, it spiraled out of control. The little things meant more than they should and boy could they hurt one another. Like the socks on the floor when he missed the hamper. Or the dirty dishes she decided could wait until morning. Neither knew these little choices affected the love their spouse felt.
He didn’t know.
She didn’t know.
What it felt like to each of them was an arrow piercing their heart, love leaking out, and leaving a gaping wound. She felt hurt and he felt hurt, but neither of them knew how to make it better.
A STORY WE KNOW TOO WELL
Marriage is tough. This is a story I’ve heard countless time and watched in friends’ marriages as their relationship shattered, hearts longing to feel love again. I’ve seen it in my own marriage too.
None of us marry expecting to spend so long in the trenches facing financial battles, parenting difficulties, and uniting two lives who now do life together under one roof. It’s messy. It’s rough. When we’re emotionally weary and someone lashes out at us in a way that feels unloving, it hurts! We react in ways we wouldn’t normally if we felt loved.
After watching our own marriage falter and seeing the same among friends, I wanted our family to know what true love is.
TRUE LOVE COMES FROM ABOVE
It happened one morning when I’d overslept and woken to the kids fighting. Someone drank the last of the orange juice and dropped the last piece of bread on the floor. “You’re so dumb! I don’t know why I live here because no one even loves me!”
Ugh, time to get up. What a pleasant wake-up call. God, I know these are my first words but I love you, I’m thankful to you, and I really need your help. Give me grace this morning. Tons of it. Help me to love them like you do. And off I marched to the kitchen.
“What on earth is going on,” I demanded, hands planted on my hips, looking every inch the aggravated mom.
“He did it!” Three kids shouted simultaneously, pointing fingers at one another.
“Stop. Sit down.” As they sat around the dining room table, I toasted a bag of bagels from the fridge and scrambled some eggs. Waiting for the food to cook and their attitudes to simmer, I prayed for the right words.
Love.
It’s always about love. In marriage. In parenting. And in our relationships with one another.
While I reminded them what love was, I reminded myself.
God is love. 1 John 4:8
We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19
So many verses but what to share? A brief run through of 1 Corinthians 13 gave us all the ability to breathe a bit deeper. Love is patient. Kind. Not rude. Not proud. The list goes on.
But what about when we don’t feel loved?
YOU’RE SQUASHING MY LOVE FOR YOU
Whether we’re married or single, parents or kids, the truth is feelings often dictate much of our actions. The most enlightening conversation happened that morning around the table when we discussed our different love languages and how one person might not feel loved because their love language is different than ours. It doesn’t mean we love them any less.
We must practice loving them in their own language. Our kids need to feel loved in their own love language. But even more importantly, our spouse needs to feel loved in their own love language.
How do we do that?
Communicate.
The keys to a strong, lasting marriage are through a relationship with Jesus first and then great communication with your spouse. Myself and countless others have learned the hard way that emotions are not great problem solvers. But discussions are. Let your spouse know what makes you feel loved and find out what makes them feel loved. Is it taking out the trash? Helping with the kids? Surprising you with a spa day? Whatever it is, make sure you are practicing loving one another in each other’s love language. You’ll be surprised how something that sounds so small can turn your marriage from a rocky one into a rockin’ one!
