She wanted to know why I didn’t let people see my struggles. She was one of the few I’d allowed a glimpse of my personal pain but she didn’t understand. My season felt hard to me and I needed someone to see me, to hear me, to let me express my frustration without fear of condemnation. Except it didn’t help. Yes, my last season has been hard but I’m still fighting for it and here’s why —
I’ve written about the difficulties in our marriage. I’ve shared my grief journey after unexpectedly losing my mom. I’ve expressed the hard times during homeschooling.
There’s not much I don’t share about in my writing. There’s a purpose behind my posts and it’s to reflect the hope I have in Jesus, how he’s been with me through the best and worst times of my life. Sharing my struggles is one way to let others see my imperfections, to watch how God writes my story, and see how much his love arrests me.
Loving this life despite the struggle
But sometimes I don’t write IN the struggle. Sometimes I have to process the most painful, private parts before I want to share them publicly. One, because I’m in the midst of it and I don’t always have a clear perspective then. Two, I want to wait patiently and see how the Lord brings beauty from ashes.
People in my inner circle have wondered why I say one thing and write about another. Why do I find the busy farming seasons when my husband is working from 4am until 10pm challenging but I still share memes about loving farm life? Why am I struggling meeting one of my children’s educational needs but still posting how wonderful homeschooling is for us? Why am I telling anyone how hard raising six kids is but still posting about being the mom God gave them?
It’s not because I’m a hypocrite.
It’s because I’ve done enough living to know there are seasons when life challenges us, when God gives us opportunities to trust him even when the outlook is bleak. Even when exhaustion overrides all else and I’m hanging by a thread, I trust him because I’ve seen his faithfulness. I’ve experienced God’s hand on my life and I know he will get me through the hard times. It doesn’t make it any less challenging. Sometimes my flesh craves validation and affirmation. I want to hear someone say, “Yes, Amanda, you’re going through a rough patch and it’s exhausting, disheartening, and lonely, but it won’t last forever.”
Give the vents to God
Does God validate us needing affirmation? No. He tells us to trust and obey.
But that’s difficult.
And I think you can understand because sometimes in our pain and insecurities, we turn to people to hear, “I see you. I understand your hurt, your pain.” We want to see a physical person in front of us nod their head in understanding or reach out to embrace us and acknowledge this season is tough and even cry with us.
But the thing is, God wants us to turn to him with those very same pleas and distress. He’s the only one who won’t use our pain against us or punish us for processing hardships with him. He wants us to fully trust him with all of our heart, soul, and mind, including the tumultuous emotions and out-of-whack hormones.
This is something I have to remind myself daily –give God ALL the things–especially when there’s a willing, listening ear nearby for me to vent to. God wants my vents too.
Fight for my life
So when I’m complaining of the long farming hours and the little I see my husband in the busy seasons, I still love farming life. I love the life God has given us and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
When I’m crying my eyes out because one of my children just isn’t getting math, I still love homeschooling. I love the time I have with my children and wouldn’t wish to exchange it for a corporate life instead. Ever.
Or when I’m rolling my eyes at my accident prone child who just hurt himself for the umpteenth time, I’m still grateful the Lord blessed us with six kids and I wouldn’t want it any differently.
Despite the challenges we face daily, I’ll continue to fight for the life we have. Whether or not it’s a busy or slow farming season, I’ll pray God is glorified through it all. That this life of dirt and tractors and long hours won’t be in vain but next to the seeds we sow in the ground, we’ll also be planting seeds in the hearts of those we do life with.
And when I’m bawling my eyes out at the dining room table over math curriculum, I won’t take these children or their education for granted. I’ll pray God is glorified in the most mundane tasks or the most difficult of circumstances. I’ll always be grateful for a country in which we have the freedom to choose to homeschooling.
And, in the “droughts” of life I remind myself that this is a test to evaluate what I need to work on and the teacher is always quit during the test. Praise God that He believes in reteach. So much of what I learned as a teacher I learned by watching Him teach me.