I dreaded this evening. I really did. I was expected to attend a women’s banquet at church with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. What I really wanted was an early evening in and my soft comfy bed. A nanny to put the kids to bed for me would be nice too.

After crying my eyes out most of the morning after receiving yet more bad news (Thank you Satan for taking me literally last week. Jerk.), I fell asleep with the kids this afternoon during nap time. I woke up to Hubs shaking my shoulder, “Amanda! It’s six o’clock! You have to leave in 5 minutes!”

Throwing off the covers, I repeated, “Oh no! It’s six o’clock!” I sprang from the bed and rushed out of the room. He scooted out the door with all six kids so they could help with evening farm chores and I jumped in the shower. I made it to the church in record time, five minutes before the event began. By this time, I felt rested and ready for a night out.

The dinner we were served was delicious. AND I didn’t have to cook it. Win-win for me. Kathi Lipp was the guest speaker and I wasn’t prepared for the hilarity she brought with her. I love listening to speakers who are real (and real funny!) and God-honoring with their speech and actions. Kathi was all of those.

At one point (and this wasn’t anything spiritual but I promise her message was encouraging and I remember all of it!), she mentioned a stylist who helps speakers dress in a flattering but not distracting way when they’re speaking publicly. I almost lost it at this point. I knew where she was going and I almost died laughing. Just this past weekend, I told my friends about a stylist I met over the summer at the She Speaks conference. She makes it her ministry to help speakers with their clothes and makeup. Cool, huh?

What I didn’t tell my friends was my own experience with her. I waited in line forever to find out which colors look best on me (not that I ever intend on speaking publicly, but I was curious). I wasn’t prepared for her answer. See, I wear a lot of black. I’m not gothic or anything but it’s just easy and simple and boring. Keeps people from staring at me because I just blend in. 

I finally reach the table where this woman is sitting, the stylist woman. She shines a bright light on my face, throws a teal scarf around my neck and says, “Yes, that’s your color. Wear teal. Avoid black and orange.”

I’m a little shocked. I’m actually wearing black while she’s telling me this and the dress I brought for my publisher meetings was orange. I make little fish faces with my mouth but no words come out. Finally, I squeak, “Black? But, but I’m wearing black now!” 

She shakes her head, “No, no, no, never black. It’s too dark for your white skin. You look washed out and goth-like.”

What?!?!?

I know, right? There are at least 2,584 kinder ways to say that!

I don’t dare bring up the orange dress. She points me further down the table where someone has boards covered in scraps of fabric. I take one step and she calls out, “Oh, and about those eyebrows! I know they start falling out the older we get, so try using an eyebrow pencil where they use to be!”

Y’all, this was a Christian conference and I know I should’ve kept it shut but I couldn’t let that go. “Excuse me? I have eyebrows! I’m not old and they aren’t falling out! They’re just blond and hard to see!”

She nods and mouths, “Eyebrow pencil,” before turning to the next woman in line. 

Yeah. Exactly. 

So when Kathi said her stylist encouraged her to lose weight and then she could help her dress for her speaking engagements, I just couldn’t help it. A big belly laugh escaped because I knew exactly what she felt like.

And now, my ministry will be to teach these stylists how to kindly and graciously respond to their clients. The end.

Until next time,

The Farm Wyfe 

P.S.

I did wear the orange dress to my publisher meetings the next day and received many compliments on it. I almost went back to that table to say Boo-yeah to the stylist but the Holy Spirit held me back. Maybe next time.