It wasn’t that my faith was dead. God was just working beneath the surface of what others could see.

For years now, I’ve had a prayer in my heart and on my lips. It’s been something constantly on my mind and probably the motivation for many things I’ve done, choosing to step through the doors God has opened while trusting Him for the outcome, knowing whatever happens will ultimately glorify God and I surely wanted to be a part of that.

It started years before Covid, this prayer I’d only uttered aloud for my family to join in with me, but something during the beginning of that time period scared me. Sadly, I didn’t realize it until someone close to me pointed out that my fear, not of a virus but of standing up for what’s right, startled me into a shell of myself. Apparently, being an observer and watching the few who did stand for what’s right be shot down in a torrent of criticism and hate scared me. Fear fueled my motivation, or lack of in this case, and I refused to stand. For anything.

Excuses spilled from me as I stepped away from certain roles I’d previously enjoyed leading. Avoidance became my game as I ran from any sign of criticism or challenging of my faith. The enemy used this time to further shame me deeper into my shell. Close friends had no idea why I was suddenly unable to chat or hang out or catch a bite to eat. I didn’t want them to know this battle raging within me, wondering why my faith was suddenly so shaky and uncertain, and why this prayer on my heart after years of praying it was being answered and terrified me.

The past two years haven’t been for nothing though. Despite the shakiness of my faith and uncertainty of the future, God used this time to work in me. To grow my faith more. To shape my heart to be more like Him. Thankfully, faith isn’t a once-and-done kind of thing but a daily process of sanctification by a gracious, loving, and merciful God.

The growth process hasn’t been what some people expected of me, and many people have asked me privately why I’ve stepped down from certain roles or why it seems like I’ve suddenly stopped doing some of the things I was doing. Honestly, I hate explaining it this way. It seems cryptic and vague but without giving specifics, I wanted to give you a peek at what’s been happening.

This is the best way I know how.

I first heard about cool flowers a couple years ago. It took a little bit for me to wrap my head around the concept of taking a plant that thrives in semi-warm (spring) conditions and intentionally planting it in a cool season (winter) for the purpose of deeper, stronger growth. While it would take much longer to grow, the plant is able to use the winter to develop a strong root system and then during the spring, bloom stronger, longer, and healthier.

Instantly, I compared it to faith. I’d just taught a group of women on being deeply rooted and this concept of cool flowers really struck a chord in my heart.

As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, as you have been taught, abounding in it with thanksgiving. Colossians 2:6-7

I wanted to test the theory out. Did it really work? Wouldn’t the weeds or the weather cause the little sprouts and seedlings to shrivel up and die against these environmental odds?

So I bought some seeds and set out to plant. I rounded up my young helpers and admonished them to carefully follow my directions when planting as some needed special attention like needing to be pressed into the soil as to not blow away in the wind but also needing light to germinate. Others needed to be planted deeply and some just needed scattering across the soil.

We typically plant using a mechanical planter attachment behind a tractor. Planting these tiny flower seeds by hand about killed me. It got to the point of me throwing seeds around the field and hoping for the best. Haha!!!!

But seriously.

We finally finished. A couple months passed, and we had no clue what was happening in the field. The weeds thrived but I had no idea what these new seedlings should look like so I couldn’t tell what was a weed and what was a future flower.

More time passed and the field looked so sad. I thought, Better luck next year. I’ll try again. And I asked my husband to plow up the field while we waited for spring to replant the remaining seeds. But his many tasks left him little time for his honey-do list from me, so he didn’t get around to it. One day, I wandered out there walking the fields and found a different kind of weed I’d never noticed before. I hollered to my kids to come look while I yanked out my phone and googled the image. Sure enough, it was a flower plant! It was growing!

Before we knew it, spring arrived and our flower garden was beautiful, exactly like I’d imagined it. Every time I looked at it, I thought of that dark season of winter where it appeared nothing worthwhile was growing but underneath the soil, those roots were digging deep, gaining strength and sucking up nutrients so when the weather bloomed, they shot up faster and stronger than they would’ve if we’d waited to plant. It took time, much longer time than I expected, to see the beauty in the blooms grow from tiny seeds cast into the earth but it happened.

That’s where I’ve been.

In the dark, growing season of cool season faith. My faith wasn’t dead, but I’d felt the enemy fighting me at every opportunity, taunting me, shaming me, using people to question me and my lack of apparent growth. It took many, many months of tears, trials, and constantly tuning into God to gain a new perspective and wisdom. God, in his infinite grace and love, used our church pastors, guest speakers, devotions, music, and even visitors to the farm, to draw me attention away from the distractions of the enemy and back on Him.

He used criticism from so many to remind me He is there and the specific prayer I’d kept praying all these years was coming to fruition. When I wanted to take credit, He reminded me it was only because of Him that it happened in the first place.

He used constructive comments from so many to continue to shape this vision He’d given me. Whenever I felt utterly exhausted, He reminded me this was part of a greater plan and He gave me rest and encouragement to continue.

He used these things to convict my heart. To continue to die daily to myself and my selfish desires. To open my eyes and see Him answering my prayer in a mighty way. To challenge and change my heart into something more like Him.

He took me, scared but trying to serve Him but really seeking accolades from people and wanting credit when He was beginning to do great things with my prayer. When I complained that people weren’t happy with me, and allowed ugly comments to penetrate my heart, it affected me. But God is so good. He changed my perspective to show me HE did this great thing, and while it wasn’t finished, He still used it for His glory and our good.

Growth happens.

It never looks the same for each person and what looks like dead or cold faith to one might just be a cool season of growing and the root system is developing out of sight but God is still working within. We must be careful to encourage other believers to trust God and seek His face all the time, not just during the dark times. Criticism kills the spirit so let’s lift one another up. Think someone is shirking their Christian duties? Let’s pray for them. Ask them if there is something they need. Let them know you care.

And if you’re the one whose faith feels fake right now, keep chasing after God. He is waiting with open arms. He promises that when we seek Him, we will find Him when we seek with all of our heart.

And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

Look for more encouragement in the New Year as I continue to share how God is working in my life and some of what this vision is that’s been on my heart and in my prayers for so long.

Happy New Year, friends!