Today is two years since I received that earth shattering phone call that a terrible tragedy occurred and life as I knew it would never ever be the same. I’ve struggled, wondering if there is such a thing as a death anniversary and how could I possibly acknowledge this day as anything but the painful reminder it is when I realized tomorrow IS an anniversary. An anniversary to remember because I can celebrate my mom has been at the feet of Jesus for two years already! When I think of it that way, I can’t help but be encouraged and thankful even though the pain is still there and I’m still jealous of the angels. I want to be at the feet of Jesus and with my mom. I want to feel her arms hugging me and hear her laugh and her voice and watch her eyes light up again.

Everything has been difference since then. Everything. I used to talk to my mom every single day, sometimes multiple times and she used to listen to every single word I said no matter how ridiculous or insignificant it was. She made me feel important and valued and I’ve really missed that.

I can talk to Jesus and He speaks to my heart always but no one on earth will ever care about what I say or do like my mom did. She used to come visit us all the time and always looked for an excuse to come down. If I needed anything at all, she would drop absolutely everything and jump in the car, with the bag I swear she always kept packed just in case, and drive 7 hours to take care of us or help me. I miss that. I miss her. She made me feel important, like I mattered so much to her.

One thing I think was so special is that she always acknowledged the little things and made them seem like big things if that makes any sense. When I was a child, we helped my dad build a treehouse in the far back corner of our yard. We were so proud to use our hands and construct a building we could actually play in! There were huge open windows and at 10 years old, I had the brilliant idea to put on a puppet show with my brother and sister. My mom was the audience and she sat in a chair on the ground, watching us, praising us for our efforts, and celebrating our first “show” with fun foods. She always encouraged our creativity and it spoke volumes to me.

She welcomed my friends and made them feel as if they were her own and loved on them too!

My mom wasn’t perfect though and I remember once when I was still in elementary school, she mentioned a fudge craving. While she was occupied, I snuck into the kitchen and found a fudge recipe so I could surprise her. She interrupted me before I finished and I remember her thanking me but saying the level of difficulty and skill needed would be too much for me. Even at a young age, I’ve always been one to rise to a challenged and I determined to finish the fudge perfectly for her. She laughed and said she would love it no matter what but I never forgot the look on her face when it indeed turned out perfect.

One of my favorite verses is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances.” Do you know how difficult that is when you’ve just had your mother snatched away from you before even making sense of what happened? God has been so gracious through everything and I actually was able to be joyful and give thanks when my mom died. Thankful for a plan of redemption. Thankful an ending on earth is not an ending forever. Thankful God had revealed himself to my mom here on earth and she had accepted Jesus as her savior. Thankful she didn’t suffer at all. Thankful I have so many amazing memories of her. Thankful her legacy will live on in her children and grandchildren. Thankful for the twins who required constant care and attention during those awful months afterwards when all I really wanted was to crawl under a rock and die. Thankful that eventually I could rejoice in the joy of the moment in spite of the grief of the moment. Thankful God has a plan through all of this even though He doesn’t always reveal it. Thankful for the many friends who lifted up our family in prayer during first year and even now still.

It’s been said so many times “life is so short” and it’s true. Life is a vapor (James 4:14) and we have no idea how long our time on earth is. My prayer for myself and everyone who reads this is that you’ll live an intentional life, and that everything you do will be for the Lord (Colossians 3:23).

If you’ve lost a loved one, you know how it feels. The raw pain is consuming and at first, all you can offer is a guttural prayer, “Lord, get me through this next hour.” If it weren’t for Jesus literally carrying me through that pain and the many friends lifting us up in prayer, I don’t know how I would’ve survived that first year.

No matter how much suffering and pain you feel, you never have to worry about feeling forsaken. God is always with you and He is close to the broken hearted. His heart is broken with yours and mine.

Here are two of my favorite verses from that difficult time. Go ahead and highlight them or write them on 3×5 cards if you’re hurting and commit them to memory. The sweetest comfort is when the Holy Spirit gently reminds you that you aren’t alone, but God is your strength and He is right there with you.

Psalm 34:18 –The Lord is close to the broken hearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Psalm 73:26 –My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.